The Top 16 Things a real 12 year old wizard would do
(465 total words in this text)
(6884 reads) 
- Turn that owl into a Hooters waitress
- Change Mom into supermodel Heidi Klum, but only for a few seconds at a time. Drive Dad nuts!
- Screw thumbtacks -- put a T-Rex in the teacher's chair!
- Use mystical powers to get school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau to sleep with you. Then again, regular kid powers might do the trick.
- Bring about world peace -- through brutal domination with his minions of large-breasted, booger-firing KoolAidMan-bots
- Grow pubes
- Make sure he doesn't develop carpal tunnel from spending too much time "polishing the magic wand"
- Dad's salary: $54,000; Young wizard's allowance: $212,000
- Replace quavery voice with authoritative James Earl Jones version. For that matter, why stop at the voice?
- In the middle of the concert, impress his friends by casting a "Britney Blouse Removal" spell
- Brussels sprouts turn into s'mores the second they hit the plate.
- Figure out the best place to put the baseball cards in a broom to make cool motor sounds
- Emergency Embarrassing Erection Elimination
- Try not to tarnish his reputation. (Oops! That's what a 38-year old Wizard coming out of retirement would do!)
- Perform a widespread "nylon-to-cotton-candy" transformation at the girls' swim meet
and the Number 1 Thing a *Real* 12 Year Old Wizard Would Do...
- "I wish I were big -- and not the Tom Hanks kind of big, but the Tommy Lee kind of big.
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